


Mourner

by ARandomFactoid



Series: We Don't Need A Hero [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Developing Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-18
Updated: 2014-05-18
Packaged: 2018-01-25 13:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1650011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ARandomFactoid/pseuds/ARandomFactoid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, the many celebrations of Noah Shepard Life and (First) Death<br/>When you're busy, it's easy to not talk about the past - especially when you weren't around to see it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. stories gone untold

**Author's Note:**

> Major fast-forwarding from the "Introductions", No current plans to write Noah through ME1 to ME3 straight through, so we're probably going to jump around from piece to piece in the series.

"I've... already met your mother, Shepard."

  
And with that, the conversation was going to be about something else entirely. Noah had been telling a story about his mother chewing out a 16 year old Shepard and a group of underage recruits for sneaking into one of the seedier bars on Arcturus Station, and Kaidan had waived off Noah's insistence that Captain Hannah Shepard had intimidated those recruits more than Hackett would be capable of on his scariest of days. Noah had continued to press the jest, confirming "You'll see it when you finally meet her... terrifying - but she'll love you, so...." and Kaidan had to tell him.

  
The night had been going so well. The day’s mission had gone off with only the slightest of hitches; only those they knew to expect, or at least not to be truly surprised at. The debriefs were short and to the point, and the ground crew found themselves with a few free hours and an impromptu dinner party was held in the mess. The food was nothing more than the typical fare, but the company was good, and they had lingered until the night crew started filtering in for their dinner break. They broke off in groups, Vega and Cortez back to the shuttle bay with Garrus tagging along to tinker with his rifle; Tali and Liara to fiddle with the Shadow broker’s ‘rig’ as Tali had nominated the server array; leaving Kaidan and Shepard to their own devices. They sat, watching the rest of the group disappear around the corner leading to the elevator and Liara’s ‘lair’ before Shepard turned to Kaidan and, tilting his head towards Portside Observation, asked “Can I buy you a drink in the lounge?”

Kaidan played it coy, pretending to consider the offer. He countered with an offer to open a bottle he had been so thoughtfully gifted not too long ago, which to his recollection was in Shepard’s cabin. Noah met Kaidan’s offer with a winsome smile of acquiescence - the last time they had attempted to crack it open to celebrate Kaidan’s return to the ship, they were distracted and the bottle was still untouched.

  
And for the sixth time in as many days, Kaidan and Shepard ended up in the loft - a pattern neither felt the need or had the nerve to remark upon. Neither commented on how they sat on the bed without discussion; the night was ending here one way or the other. Noah leaned back at its head, Kaidan was upright near its foot, one foot curled under, the other on the floor - clothes on but boots off. They had continued the conversation begun with the others, stories about past C.O.’s, and actually managed to open the bottle and have a drink before Noah alighted upon his mother and the hapless recruits incurring her wrath.

  
“Oh.” was Noah’s first response to that particular bit of intelligence. Then, sitting up and drawing his legs in and crossing them, and propping his right elbow on this knee and cupping his chin, stated: “Makes sense - you would have both been at my funeral, that time I died.”

  
“Yeah, we were.” Kaidan answered, slowly, pulling his leg up and under his other to mirror Noah’s position, looking down at his hands in his lap to ensure he was not wringing them together. “Shep-Noah, I’m sorry I brought.. we don’t have to…”

  
Kaidan didn’t see Noah’s waving him off, but stopped when Noah spoke. “It’s alright. Having met my mother isn’t something you should have to protect me from knowing.” He looked up at Kaidan, who was still looking at his own hands. “Not that I think that’s what happened - that you were protecting me. This is the first time its come up. And,” he continued slowly, “I expect you dislike reminiscing about my funeral as much as I do imagining it - it’s probably been there, done that, for you.” He gave Kaidan a small smile when Kaidan finally looked up, a look of surprise on his face.

  
“You could say that, Shepard. But… you haven’t seen any of the vids? No one… Garrus, Tali, Anderson… discussed this with you? I can see your mother not mentioning it - no, someone’s talked to you about this, right? I mean Liara…” Kaidan trailed off, Shepard shaking his head at each possibility making it clear this was the first time he had the opportunity to discuss his own funeral, with anyone.

  
“No - it really hasn’t come up. I haven’t been in a place to… process it. I woke up to the Collectors, which was six months of saving everyone - from the Collectors and themselves. Well, except for Tali, she just had a court case.. and not you.” Noah shrugged. “Then Aratoht… Arrival was imminent. Six months flailing on Earth. All of this. We’ve been busy.”

  
“What do you want to know?” was Kaidan’s reply.

  
Shepard looked down at his legs. “You don’t have to - I can looks up the vids… later.” He flinched at the sounds of rustling sheets as Kaidan crossed the bed, and Kaidan paused his reach for Noah’s arm that was still supporting his chin. Allowing a long beat to pass, Kaidan wrapped his fingers around Noah’s wrist and pulled the arm down to align their hands and intertwine their fingers as he himself laid down, resting his head next to Noah’s hip.

  
“I’ve faced down worse, Noah - just ask”

  
Noah took a breath and turned his head slightly to look down at Kaidan, already forming the first word of the questions when he met Kaidan’s gaze looking back up at him from the pillow, and came up short. After a garbled stutter and and clearing his throat, he re-started. “How was she - was she…?”

  
“She was a wreck, Noah.” Kaidan pulled their hands up to kiss the back of Noah’s hand before letting them drop back on the bed and looking up at the skylight. “But she never lost her composure, kept that ramrod military posture - she didn’t lean on me at all, but needed the hand at her elbow to guide her thru the crowd. And she was holding that picture of you and your father pretty hard. She was there, but not - you know? Or she really didn’t want to be, so she was kind of.. someplace else, I suppose.”

  
Noah fixed gaze at some indeterminate point near the loft’s door, “so.. wait.. you were on family escort detail?”

  
“Yeah, most of crew was still pretty banged up - it was about a week after...Alchera - Anderson asked me to assign a detail from the crew, and the pickings were slim and… I couldn’t let anyone else - she’s _your mother_. And we were,” Kaidan shrugged, a gesture that looked more like an awkward shimmy lying down. “friends, or something.”

  
Noah let out a small laugh “Friends _and_ something, K.”

  
“Even then, Shepard?”

  
“Before then, Kaidan.” Shepard gave Kaidan’s hand a squeeze and a little shake. Then, shrugging and giving his shoulders a shake, slid down to lay next to Kaidan. Sliding farther down than level, Noah turned his face into Kaidan’s side. “What else should I know? And what picture?”

  
Still holding Noah’s hand, Kaidan wrapped his free arm around Noah, turning his face down and talking into Noah’s hair. “There was a picture sitting on Hannah’s chair when we arrived at the seats. I think it was from your officer school graduation - you and your dad are both in dress blues and I remember thinking you looked so young. Nice frame; asari, I think; Liara probably left it there - she was already in the room, and as it turns out, is crafty like that. Hanna picked it up, touched the glass, said ‘hi boys’, and didn’t look directly at it again for the entire ceremony. Oh - and I have official permission to call your mother Hannah, Spectre’s honor.”

  
Shepard let out a puff of air, “Never expected you didn’t, Major. That was nice of Liara, or whomever. I guess it’s floating in the wreck of Arcturus now. That’s-”

“It’s in B.C., actually,” Kaidan interrupted, “or that’s where I left it. I, um, have a box of your things at the orchard. Hannah asked me to take them after the second ceremony.” Kaidan stopped and waited for Shepard to take it as he would, and ask whatever it was he wanted to ask.

  
“Ok - explain.” was all Kaidan got in response.

  
Kaidan gave Noah’s hand a squeeze. “You had a ridiculous number of funerals. They weren’t all called that, but that was the gist of them all. I lost count; really, truly, lost count.” Kadain gave a wry chuckle before softening. “The first one, the real one, was on Arcturus - that’s where they sent all of us after the attack. Hannah was there, she was temporarily stationed there as she was transferring commands, she had just been promoted to captain. It was just ‘us’ - the ones who knew you, before it was all over the vids. That’s where the picture was.”


	2. First Ceremony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ceremony 1

Kaidan was waiting near the edge of Shanxi Plaza, a large open chasm buried within Arcturus Station, standing close to the entrance of the nondescript corridor that led to the large, mostly empty, meeting room that had been appointed to the crew of the Normandy to have their own, private, funeral for Commander Shepard. He was waiting for Shepard’s mother, Captain Hannah Shepard, to arrive in the square, allowing him the unenviable privilege of escorting her right up to face the reality that her son was dead and gone - that her entire family was dead and gone.

  
He kept his hands shoved in his pockets, and tried to feel grateful that this wasn’t an official Alliance function. That would follow later with all of the pomp of dress blues and speeches by important people at the least opportune time. This was for them, the crew, and Shepard’s mother - Shepard’s family, he thought. It was the least they were owed and probably the most they were going to get. He scanned the crowd - not sure how he would recognize her. Almost everyone was in uniform, and he knew the Captain’s promotion was so new she might not even have the bars added to her fatigues, especially considering the news that followed so directly after. She might even be in civies for all he knew. Tali had suggested a sign, something discreet, but he decided that even that would draw too much attention.

  
Captain Shepard found him, in the end. He was staring at the back of a marine that was wearing her hair the way Ashley had worn hers, and a subtle clearing of the throat brought his head back round with a snap - hoping the stare wasn’t obvious, or at least didn’t come off as leering. He recognized her immediately, even without having seen so much as a picture of her; Noah’s eyes were looking at him from her face. Unable to speak, Kaidan snapped a salute and waited. Hannah Shepard gave him a quick one-over, and waved off the salute. “Lieutenant Alenko?” she asked.

  
“Yes, ma’am - Captain Shepard.” Kaidan replied, moving to parade rest, then just ‘at ease’ when a look of consternation moved across the Captain’s face.

  
“This is my son’s funeral, Alenko - I just want to be his mom, Noah’s mom Hannah, for a little bit longer. It’s Hannah, please.”

  
“Of course, ma’am - Hannah.” Kaidan replied readily. “Um…” he added with new uncertainty, “I’m Kaidan, Shepard and I are… friends.”

  
“I suspected as much.” Hannah gave him a tired smile. “Noah didn’t write much, and we only spoke a couple of times after he joined the Normandy. He.. mentioned you, tho’.”

  
Kadian didn’t have a response for that, so instead he offered his arm. “I wasn’t sure how to find you, but it seems you found me first.”

  
Hannah stiffened, looking at his arm, and Kaidan remembered she’d done this before, for her husband. But she wrapped her palm into the crook of his elbow. “You recognized me quick enough.” She looked up at him, “ It’s the eyes, and the hair, I suppose.” She ran her free hand through her hair. “But that girl did look like Ashley, I can understand why you were distracted.”

  
“Did Noah send snaps of Ashley?” he asked her, a bit surprised. He hadn’t thought Noah had spoken to his mother about Virmire - it was barely a week ago that they had been able to discuss it at any length.

  
“He was so proud of you all. He sent all of your files over, wanted me to know you all- pretended it was all asking my professional opinion. Even wrote up files for Garrus, Tali, and Liara. She smiled again. Although, he sent yours over first. He was so excited to be working with a biotic, with you.”

  
“It was mutual. I’m sorry… I was with Shepard, activating the distress beacon, and he.”

  
“I know, Kaidan. It wasn’t negligence - it was, he was killed in action by the enemy.”

  
Kaidan sighed. “Yeah… Look, I’m keeping you here when everyone’s gathering back there. Shall we..”

  
She gripped his arm a little tighter and swallowed. “Nothing to do but face it down, thank you - for being there, and here - for him.”


End file.
